Georgetown Independent

Issue date: 8/27/08 Section: Commentary

Media Credit: hotmen.royalty4free.com

I was sunning on my yacht the other day when a thought struck me: Brad Pitt is a mighty fine piece of meat. It seems that not everyone agrees with me, though, and some would even go so far as to say that George "I Give Smug Oscar Speeches" Clooney is finer. In a battle of American hunks, Brad Pitt is hotter by an order of magnitude. If you won't take my word for it, let me lay down some truth. To decide which is the better piece of meat, we need only look at four categories - women, films, charity and style.

Let us consider their choice of women. Brad has shacked up with Angelina Jolie, for whom certain sexual acronyms were invented. He may have had a good thing with Jennifer Aniston, but any lady who can also be dumped by John Mayer is not worth a mansicle's time. Clooney, on the other hand, has moved from tramp to tramp, most recently spending time with a model-cum-actress who was photographed on all fours at a party, licking a picture of herself in a magazine while clad in bikini. Classy pick, George.

Brad lives in France with his sex object, in one of the few countries where you can literally live in a castle, complete with an estate and a swarm of adopted children. While George's Italian vacations are nothing to scoff at, Brad is living the royal life; all hail the king.

You could argue that George's polygamy is cooler than Brad's monogamy, but you know that Angelina invites sexy 'guests' over to their French villa all the time. She wore Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck - not exactly the kind of thing a straight-laced wife decides is a good idea. Imagine the tremendous threesomes at the Pitt-Jolie household, and you'll see why Brad is so often on my mind.

Since both men occasionally appear in films, we should probably mention that Brad does manlier work. Georgie has limited his acting choices to creampuff crime pieces (although I won't begrudge him the chance to spend time with Jennifer Lopez in a trunk in Out of Sight), creampuff period pieces and the occasional foray into intellectually masturbatory science fiction - no, I haven't forgotten about Solaris. Brad starred in the gritty Babel, the grittier Seven, and the grittiest film of them all, Thelma and Louise.

When it comes to humanitarianism, you can't beat Pitt. Helping people isn't always admirable - I wouldn't lift one finger to save Miley Cyrus from a collision with any form of moving vehicle - but helping poorer nations is always chic. Brad's clan represents a pastiche of poverty, from Cambodia to Namibia. He's a one-man USAID, with none of the ponderous bureaucracy or ugly people. I'm sure that George sends the occasional check to Beautiful People Without Borders, but the occasional speech on Darfur won't impress me until I see a Clooney household filled with war refugees.

I admit that both men know how to wear a suit, but a good-looking tux does not a hunk make. Jack Nicholson looks passable once his larded ass is poured into a penguin suit. If we dig just below the surface, it becomes clear that Brad is a man of the fashion times, while the Cloonester is just not with it. Take Brad's trips to Africa: the paparazzi caught Brad in various states of safari chic, with rugged button-down shirts and a dash of linen to keep things classy and contemporary. Clooney tends to favor the suit, which may be fine if you're living in the 1950s, but doesn't really fit our more casual times. Plus, all of George's buttons just get in the way of a passionate pre-lovemaking de-clothesing, which is never a problem with my boy Brad. I envy George's five o'clock shadow more than most women, but debonair will always lose to rugged, animalistic sexiness.

To say that Brad is a little handsomer than George would be like saying that herpes is a little more serious than the common cold - while it may be true, you're missing the point. In a world where Tobey Maguire gets to act like a girl and still be called a superhero, there's something wonderful about a man who's unafraid to marry a hot chick, live in a castle and make a trip to France look like a manly activity. Brad is sexy, smart (I think), and a cosmopolitan star for our globalized times.

While both men starred in the Ocean movies, Brad will always be the dreamier boat.

Gangelhoff is Editor in Chief and a Culture and Politics senior.

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