2008 Woodie Awards
Independent Insights
Issue date: 10/22/03 Section: Insights
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The evolution of our government
In a Thursday address at the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld defended a U.S. general who told church audiences that Muslims worship false idols and that the war on terrorism is a battle against Satan. Rumsfeld eloquently responded to reporters' inquisitions concerning the validity, over-simplification, and ramifications of these statements by pounding his chest, jumping up and down, and repeatedly uttering "We good! They bad!"
Your girlfriend was not amused
Brandon Williamson, a student at N.C. State University got into some hot water recently for writing a story entitled "Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women." Williamson used the CNN.com banner and graphics, and the article was so convincing that newspapers in Chile and Croatia printed the story as fact. Apparently names such as Dr. BJ Sooner and Dr. Inserta Shafteer were not enough of a clue as to the story's credibility. In related news, the Lacrosse team is offering free breast-cancer risk screenings through the end of November.
Malnutrition...always good for a laugh
After 44 days of starving himself while suspended in a viewing chamber overlooking London, "magician" David Blaine ended his stunt on Sunday. Roy got mauled by a tiger, Copperfield got Claudia Scheiffer, and this guy gets jaundice. Nice going, jackass, we're very impressed.
Another sign of the impending Apocalypse
This week, rumors circulated about Richard Gere taking on the role of Captain Von Trapp in the London stage version of The Sound of Music. Although the rumors are not confirmed, many feel that Gere's performance in Chicago bodes well for his chances of getting the part. Hey, he's taken on a hooker with a heart of gold, King Arthur and Winona Ryder, why not the Nazis?
The sun also revolves around the earth
Cardinal Alfonso Lopez Trujillo, the Vatican spokesman on family issues, restated the Catholic Church's view that use of condoms does not reduce the risk of HIV infection in a Wednesday interview. He also stated that Earth is flat, not round as those "lying liberal S.O.B.'s" will have you believe.
Is that a merit badge in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
In an effort to modernize their old minty ways, the Girl Scouts have created a new program. "Studio 2B" that will attempt to cater to the teenage girl demographic by offering programs that are more relevant to adult issues. A troop leader was also quoted as saying: "We also plan to launch "Studio 54" in the near future, which will train certain unusually motivated young women for their future of cocaine addiction and hedonistic passions."
I'll have the breasts please
"Actress" Pamela Anderson has joined a crusade to rid the world of the mistreatment of animals by speaking out against the drugging, underfeeding and inhumane butchering of KFC-bought chickens. Anderson sympathized with the chickens because of her similar treatment on the Baywatch set. Anderson was quoted as saying, "I, too, was kept in a cage, underfed, and cut up on a table by people that claimed to be bettering humanity."
Excuse me sir, did you steal my penis?
A 28-year-old Gambian man was beaten to death last week for using witchcraft to steal another man's penis. Apparently, reports of penis-snatchers are quite common throughout West Africa, with alleged victims claiming that sorcerers use magic in order to make the penises shrink or disappear so that the victim will pay the perpetrator for a cure. Seven of these penis-snatchers were beaten to death by mobs in 1996. Yeah, we've got nothing.
Try putting that in the envelope to Visa
This past week, a Tanzanian man attempted to settle his debts in a less than conventional manner. The 24 year old cut off his own genitals in an effort to win sympathy from the creditors. So now, not only does the guy have no money, but his manhood is gone too. Genius move, we say.
Burn your baby albums
In Dallas, a 33 year-old Peruvian immigrant and her boyfriend are on trial for a second-degree felony after a photo technician at Eckerd phoned police after finding what he deemed to be 'suspicious photos.' The pictures include several shots of the couple's 1 and 4 year old sons bathing in the bathtub and one in which the woman is breastfeeding the infant. The couple is being charged with sexual performance of a child, a crime tantamount to child pornography. In other news, people in Texas are even stupider than previously thought.
Does law excite you? A little too much?
This past week a French judge was caught red-handed as he masturbated during the court proceedings. According to the French newspaper Clarente Libre, while the attorney pleaded his case, three witnesses saw the magistrate lift his gown, open his pants and "perform unmistakable movements." But in the judge's defense, he is French.
McMortuary
Joan Kroc, the billionaire widow of McDonald's founder Roy Kroc passed away this weekend after a long struggle with brain cancer. Always compassionate, the undertakers offered to super-size her coffin for 39 cents.
Whaaaaa?
A 27-year-old Australian woman gave birth to a healthy 8 lb baby approximately 3 hours after realizing that she was pregnant. When asked what tipped her off that she was carrying, she said, "I'd had some indigestion." Strangely enough, her husband had been in an auto accident 2 years earlier that left him impotent. Showing her shock for the unexpected addition to the family she said, "He's a good size. It makes you wonder where I could hide it." Her husband remarked: "I thought at first it was odd when she was started working late all those nights at the office with her young, attractive boss. Now I know what she was really doing: going to that damn fertility clinic, that's what!"
If those two crazy kids can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?
David Gest is suing his estranged wife Liza Minnelli for $10 million alleging that she caused him neurological damage during her violent drinking binges. To be fair to Liza, however, any grown man that has Michael Jackson as a friend deserves to have some sense smacked into him.
Justice, Canadian style
A man survived a 150 foot plunge over the Canadian side of Niagra Falls yesterday with no protective gear. It is the first time someone has survived a jump of this nature, although many daredevils have attempted the stunt before. Others have gone over the falls in barrels, boats, and rocket-powered jetskiis. When pulled out of the water by Canadian officials, the man was slapped with a large fine of approximately $10,000. When asked for ideas for appropriate punishment, American officials stated "He's Canadian, isn't that punishment enough?"
There's oil in Iraq?
Democratic representatives complained on Thursday about how Halliburton's importation of oil into Iraq, one of the most oil-rich countries in the world, was effectively tricking U.S. taxpayers into subsidizing Iraqi oil and inflating the company's profits. In related news, Vice President Dick Cheney, former CEO of Halliburton, still doesn't have a heart.
In a Thursday address at the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld defended a U.S. general who told church audiences that Muslims worship false idols and that the war on terrorism is a battle against Satan. Rumsfeld eloquently responded to reporters' inquisitions concerning the validity, over-simplification, and ramifications of these statements by pounding his chest, jumping up and down, and repeatedly uttering "We good! They bad!"
Your girlfriend was not amused
Brandon Williamson, a student at N.C. State University got into some hot water recently for writing a story entitled "Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women." Williamson used the CNN.com banner and graphics, and the article was so convincing that newspapers in Chile and Croatia printed the story as fact. Apparently names such as Dr. BJ Sooner and Dr. Inserta Shafteer were not enough of a clue as to the story's credibility. In related news, the Lacrosse team is offering free breast-cancer risk screenings through the end of November.
Malnutrition...always good for a laugh
After 44 days of starving himself while suspended in a viewing chamber overlooking London, "magician" David Blaine ended his stunt on Sunday. Roy got mauled by a tiger, Copperfield got Claudia Scheiffer, and this guy gets jaundice. Nice going, jackass, we're very impressed.
Another sign of the impending Apocalypse
This week, rumors circulated about Richard Gere taking on the role of Captain Von Trapp in the London stage version of The Sound of Music. Although the rumors are not confirmed, many feel that Gere's performance in Chicago bodes well for his chances of getting the part. Hey, he's taken on a hooker with a heart of gold, King Arthur and Winona Ryder, why not the Nazis?
The sun also revolves around the earth
Cardinal Alfonso Lopez Trujillo, the Vatican spokesman on family issues, restated the Catholic Church's view that use of condoms does not reduce the risk of HIV infection in a Wednesday interview. He also stated that Earth is flat, not round as those "lying liberal S.O.B.'s" will have you believe.
Is that a merit badge in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
In an effort to modernize their old minty ways, the Girl Scouts have created a new program. "Studio 2B" that will attempt to cater to the teenage girl demographic by offering programs that are more relevant to adult issues. A troop leader was also quoted as saying: "We also plan to launch "Studio 54" in the near future, which will train certain unusually motivated young women for their future of cocaine addiction and hedonistic passions."
I'll have the breasts please
"Actress" Pamela Anderson has joined a crusade to rid the world of the mistreatment of animals by speaking out against the drugging, underfeeding and inhumane butchering of KFC-bought chickens. Anderson sympathized with the chickens because of her similar treatment on the Baywatch set. Anderson was quoted as saying, "I, too, was kept in a cage, underfed, and cut up on a table by people that claimed to be bettering humanity."
Excuse me sir, did you steal my penis?
A 28-year-old Gambian man was beaten to death last week for using witchcraft to steal another man's penis. Apparently, reports of penis-snatchers are quite common throughout West Africa, with alleged victims claiming that sorcerers use magic in order to make the penises shrink or disappear so that the victim will pay the perpetrator for a cure. Seven of these penis-snatchers were beaten to death by mobs in 1996. Yeah, we've got nothing.
Try putting that in the envelope to Visa
This past week, a Tanzanian man attempted to settle his debts in a less than conventional manner. The 24 year old cut off his own genitals in an effort to win sympathy from the creditors. So now, not only does the guy have no money, but his manhood is gone too. Genius move, we say.
Burn your baby albums
In Dallas, a 33 year-old Peruvian immigrant and her boyfriend are on trial for a second-degree felony after a photo technician at Eckerd phoned police after finding what he deemed to be 'suspicious photos.' The pictures include several shots of the couple's 1 and 4 year old sons bathing in the bathtub and one in which the woman is breastfeeding the infant. The couple is being charged with sexual performance of a child, a crime tantamount to child pornography. In other news, people in Texas are even stupider than previously thought.
Does law excite you? A little too much?
This past week a French judge was caught red-handed as he masturbated during the court proceedings. According to the French newspaper Clarente Libre, while the attorney pleaded his case, three witnesses saw the magistrate lift his gown, open his pants and "perform unmistakable movements." But in the judge's defense, he is French.
McMortuary
Joan Kroc, the billionaire widow of McDonald's founder Roy Kroc passed away this weekend after a long struggle with brain cancer. Always compassionate, the undertakers offered to super-size her coffin for 39 cents.
Whaaaaa?
A 27-year-old Australian woman gave birth to a healthy 8 lb baby approximately 3 hours after realizing that she was pregnant. When asked what tipped her off that she was carrying, she said, "I'd had some indigestion." Strangely enough, her husband had been in an auto accident 2 years earlier that left him impotent. Showing her shock for the unexpected addition to the family she said, "He's a good size. It makes you wonder where I could hide it." Her husband remarked: "I thought at first it was odd when she was started working late all those nights at the office with her young, attractive boss. Now I know what she was really doing: going to that damn fertility clinic, that's what!"
If those two crazy kids can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?
David Gest is suing his estranged wife Liza Minnelli for $10 million alleging that she caused him neurological damage during her violent drinking binges. To be fair to Liza, however, any grown man that has Michael Jackson as a friend deserves to have some sense smacked into him.
Justice, Canadian style
A man survived a 150 foot plunge over the Canadian side of Niagra Falls yesterday with no protective gear. It is the first time someone has survived a jump of this nature, although many daredevils have attempted the stunt before. Others have gone over the falls in barrels, boats, and rocket-powered jetskiis. When pulled out of the water by Canadian officials, the man was slapped with a large fine of approximately $10,000. When asked for ideas for appropriate punishment, American officials stated "He's Canadian, isn't that punishment enough?"
There's oil in Iraq?
Democratic representatives complained on Thursday about how Halliburton's importation of oil into Iraq, one of the most oil-rich countries in the world, was effectively tricking U.S. taxpayers into subsidizing Iraqi oil and inflating the company's profits. In related news, Vice President Dick Cheney, former CEO of Halliburton, still doesn't have a heart.