2008 Woodie Awards
'Independent' Insights
Issue date: 4/30/03 Section: Insights
If you don’t laugh, the terrorists win
There appears to be more tales of wackiness concerning Saddam Hussein. According to Iraqi opposition leader Ahmad Chalabi, defecting Iraqi intelligence members said that Saddam Hussein trained with suicide vests armed with explosives. The vests would be used in the event that Hussein was facing imminent capture by American forces. Honestly, Hussein could’ve saved himself the trouble and just walked around in a vest with a big bullseye on it.
Canada is finally useful
Canada has taken the first step in blending environmentalism with drug addiction. British Columbia resident Eric Nash has become the first marijuana grower to have his “crop” certified by the Canadian government as being “organic.” The farmer plans on selling his crop for medicinal purposes only. Nash says that he considers certification the first step towards government acknowledgement of the medicinal value of marijuana. However, if someone’s smoking pot, do they really care whether or not it’s organic?
Good thing they are no longer our colony
The Philippines is getting quirkier and quirkier. A fisherman was recently stabbed to death after sneezing next to someone else. Rodel Vicencio, 42, was killed by a man identified only as Jing Tattoo, who claimed that he was afraid that Vicencio had SARS. Of course, Jing decided to flee instead of explaining this to the police. The Philippino government is considering passing a measure which declares “intentional sneezing” to be an act of terrorism. We salute Jing for defending his homeland from fishermen with allergies. That’ll teach the bastards.
Their anniversary must have been fun
One man has found a “creative” way to avoid divorce. Tacoma Police Chief David Brame shot his estranged wife then killed himself Saturday, a day after the woman’s allegations of abuse were publicized in media reports (note: we think it’s safe to say they were more than allegations). The incident occurred as the couple was arguing inside their car. His wife, Crystal, is currently in critical condition with a gunshot wound to the head. We’ve heard of the phrase “Women: can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em,” but this is ridiculous.
More trouble for the Irish
A tragic setback occurred in the war on terrorism. The Irish Club, Kabul’s only bar, was forced to close due to terrorist threats. The bar, open only to foreigners in the predominantly Muslim country, is only closed temporarily. One of the owners, a Briton, remarked, “On a Thursday night you can have up to 200 people there and if someone were to bomb it, they could wipe out the entire international community in one night.” Somewhere, Donald Rumsfeld is imagining just such an incident with glee.
Peter Benchley doesn’t know a damn thing
It seems there’s a new beach activity for Brazilian bathers. A shark recently attacked a swimmer in Rio de Janeiro. Beachgoers did the only logical thing in response: stabbing and clubbing three sharks to death. Lifeguards responded by telling the beachgoers not to attack sharks. Gee, maybe someone should tell the sharks.
There appears to be more tales of wackiness concerning Saddam Hussein. According to Iraqi opposition leader Ahmad Chalabi, defecting Iraqi intelligence members said that Saddam Hussein trained with suicide vests armed with explosives. The vests would be used in the event that Hussein was facing imminent capture by American forces. Honestly, Hussein could’ve saved himself the trouble and just walked around in a vest with a big bullseye on it.
Canada is finally useful
Canada has taken the first step in blending environmentalism with drug addiction. British Columbia resident Eric Nash has become the first marijuana grower to have his “crop” certified by the Canadian government as being “organic.” The farmer plans on selling his crop for medicinal purposes only. Nash says that he considers certification the first step towards government acknowledgement of the medicinal value of marijuana. However, if someone’s smoking pot, do they really care whether or not it’s organic?
Good thing they are no longer our colony
The Philippines is getting quirkier and quirkier. A fisherman was recently stabbed to death after sneezing next to someone else. Rodel Vicencio, 42, was killed by a man identified only as Jing Tattoo, who claimed that he was afraid that Vicencio had SARS. Of course, Jing decided to flee instead of explaining this to the police. The Philippino government is considering passing a measure which declares “intentional sneezing” to be an act of terrorism. We salute Jing for defending his homeland from fishermen with allergies. That’ll teach the bastards.
Their anniversary must have been fun
One man has found a “creative” way to avoid divorce. Tacoma Police Chief David Brame shot his estranged wife then killed himself Saturday, a day after the woman’s allegations of abuse were publicized in media reports (note: we think it’s safe to say they were more than allegations). The incident occurred as the couple was arguing inside their car. His wife, Crystal, is currently in critical condition with a gunshot wound to the head. We’ve heard of the phrase “Women: can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em,” but this is ridiculous.
More trouble for the Irish
A tragic setback occurred in the war on terrorism. The Irish Club, Kabul’s only bar, was forced to close due to terrorist threats. The bar, open only to foreigners in the predominantly Muslim country, is only closed temporarily. One of the owners, a Briton, remarked, “On a Thursday night you can have up to 200 people there and if someone were to bomb it, they could wipe out the entire international community in one night.” Somewhere, Donald Rumsfeld is imagining just such an incident with glee.
Peter Benchley doesn’t know a damn thing
It seems there’s a new beach activity for Brazilian bathers. A shark recently attacked a swimmer in Rio de Janeiro. Beachgoers did the only logical thing in response: stabbing and clubbing three sharks to death. Lifeguards responded by telling the beachgoers not to attack sharks. Gee, maybe someone should tell the sharks.