2008 Woodie Awards
Independent Insights
Issue date: 4/16/03 Section: Insights
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Iraqis more grateful than French
On Wednesday, hundreds of people cheered in the city of Baghdad as a giant bronze statue of Saddam Hussein was torn down by American tanks. Iraqi citizens could be seen all over the world dancing in the streets, waving American flags and chanting “We love Bush!” Sadly, there was scarce attention when the Rugby team shouted the same thing the following weekend.
At least it is better publicity than the protest camp article
A certain unnamed columnist for The Hoya was recently mentioned in The Washington Post for having dinner with a Congressman. In another Post article, a female Georgetown student got into a scuffle with another Congressman at Rhino. While most students welcome the publicity, or at least don’t really care, some members of Georgetown are upset about the incident. Said one student, “Some bimbo from GW gets a president, and all we can bag are a few measly Congressmen? They should’ve definitely gotten Rumsfeld, or at least one of the Bush daughters.
Knife thrower mistakes assistant for Esherick
A record-breaking knife thrower shocked Britons on Thursday when one of his daggers sliced into the head of his assistant on live TV. He is currently looking for a new assistant to help him with his act. In a defense only the UN Security Council would accept, he told reporters, “In 11 years of performing, I’ve only hit my assistant on five occasions.” Wonder if Juan Gonzalez is looking for a new line of work.
Reduced to protesting golf
This weekend Martha Burke protested the Masters Tournament at the Augusta National Golf Club for not having any women in the club. Next week she is planning on protesting the Philodemic Barbeque for the same reasons. Fortunately, the Boy Scouts of America prepared their counter-protest weeks ago and have set up tents in Red Square … at least we think that’s why they’re there
Finally, a disease with a cooler acronym than AIDS
Hysteria and fears rises as the SARS situation was declared “grave” by the Chinese government. The disease, believed to have originated in South China, has afflicted over 3,000 people, killing 150. Hong Kong, particularly hard-hit by this new terror, is now witness to an entire city of people wearing facemasks in an attempt to protect themselves. On the bright side, Michael Jackson no longer draws attention when walking in public anymore.
Mexico: only 350 years behind U.S.
A man learned a lesson about conformity the hard way in southern Mexico. Domingo Shilon Shilon was stoned to death, hacked with machetes and lit on fire as punishment for witchcraft. Shilon, a Tzotzil Indian, was suspected of witchcraft after villagers discovered bottles in Indian garb in a cave that Shilon frequented. Mexican officials have a hard time finding out who killed Shilon, as the townspeople refuse to testify. When asked about the witch incident, one fictitious Jesuit replied, “Frickin’ amateurs.”
Die-ins dying out?
Hippie Hoyas suffered another blow as the United States strolled into Baghdad with low casualties after three weeks of fighting. As the hippies now appear even more trivial, The Washington Post wrote a story about the unshowered-without-a-cause club (Editor’s note: Why is The Washington Post so interested in us? Stalker alert!). However, one protester has found a way to keep the faith: protesting the reconstruction. Said the unkempt stereotype, “The U.S. government shouldn’t get it grubby hands on the oil. But neither should those undernourished Iraqi imperialist pigs. Fight the power!”
From the people who brought you the Kursk fiasco
The Russians recently showed that they are still an important leader in space exploration. The Russkies sent up a Progress M-47 space ship to push the International Space station into higher orbit. Push the space station. Apparently, the space station is really just a stalled Buick.
Can you spare some firehose?
The street in front of Wisey’s was a scene of chaos Monday Apr. 14, as an underground fire raged. The fire appeared to be electrical in nature. A section of 36th Street was closed down for the safety of the populace. When asked if they were going to put out the fire, one firefighter remarked, “Maybe on the way back.”
Damn dirty Corpies
A recent recruiting poster for the new Vital Vittles due to open in the Southwest Quadrangle openly championed the laziness of the cashiers. The flier stated, “No bagging. Just tips.” That’s the last time those lazy bastards get any change from us.
Duffman says a lot of things
The world has received news that the rapture is upon us. On Apr. 11, British Prime Minister Tony Blair recorded his voice for an episode of The Simpsons. Blair will have a cameo in an episode where the Simpson family visits the United Kingdom. The episode will also feature J.K Rowlings and Sir Ian McKellen. The show’s producers, when asked if other world leaders would be appearing, they replied, “We were going to get Chirac, but the show already has one balding simpleton.”
On Wednesday, hundreds of people cheered in the city of Baghdad as a giant bronze statue of Saddam Hussein was torn down by American tanks. Iraqi citizens could be seen all over the world dancing in the streets, waving American flags and chanting “We love Bush!” Sadly, there was scarce attention when the Rugby team shouted the same thing the following weekend.
At least it is better publicity than the protest camp article
A certain unnamed columnist for The Hoya was recently mentioned in The Washington Post for having dinner with a Congressman. In another Post article, a female Georgetown student got into a scuffle with another Congressman at Rhino. While most students welcome the publicity, or at least don’t really care, some members of Georgetown are upset about the incident. Said one student, “Some bimbo from GW gets a president, and all we can bag are a few measly Congressmen? They should’ve definitely gotten Rumsfeld, or at least one of the Bush daughters.
Knife thrower mistakes assistant for Esherick
A record-breaking knife thrower shocked Britons on Thursday when one of his daggers sliced into the head of his assistant on live TV. He is currently looking for a new assistant to help him with his act. In a defense only the UN Security Council would accept, he told reporters, “In 11 years of performing, I’ve only hit my assistant on five occasions.” Wonder if Juan Gonzalez is looking for a new line of work.
Reduced to protesting golf
This weekend Martha Burke protested the Masters Tournament at the Augusta National Golf Club for not having any women in the club. Next week she is planning on protesting the Philodemic Barbeque for the same reasons. Fortunately, the Boy Scouts of America prepared their counter-protest weeks ago and have set up tents in Red Square … at least we think that’s why they’re there
Finally, a disease with a cooler acronym than AIDS
Hysteria and fears rises as the SARS situation was declared “grave” by the Chinese government. The disease, believed to have originated in South China, has afflicted over 3,000 people, killing 150. Hong Kong, particularly hard-hit by this new terror, is now witness to an entire city of people wearing facemasks in an attempt to protect themselves. On the bright side, Michael Jackson no longer draws attention when walking in public anymore.
Mexico: only 350 years behind U.S.
A man learned a lesson about conformity the hard way in southern Mexico. Domingo Shilon Shilon was stoned to death, hacked with machetes and lit on fire as punishment for witchcraft. Shilon, a Tzotzil Indian, was suspected of witchcraft after villagers discovered bottles in Indian garb in a cave that Shilon frequented. Mexican officials have a hard time finding out who killed Shilon, as the townspeople refuse to testify. When asked about the witch incident, one fictitious Jesuit replied, “Frickin’ amateurs.”
Die-ins dying out?
Hippie Hoyas suffered another blow as the United States strolled into Baghdad with low casualties after three weeks of fighting. As the hippies now appear even more trivial, The Washington Post wrote a story about the unshowered-without-a-cause club (Editor’s note: Why is The Washington Post so interested in us? Stalker alert!). However, one protester has found a way to keep the faith: protesting the reconstruction. Said the unkempt stereotype, “The U.S. government shouldn’t get it grubby hands on the oil. But neither should those undernourished Iraqi imperialist pigs. Fight the power!”
From the people who brought you the Kursk fiasco
The Russians recently showed that they are still an important leader in space exploration. The Russkies sent up a Progress M-47 space ship to push the International Space station into higher orbit. Push the space station. Apparently, the space station is really just a stalled Buick.
Can you spare some firehose?
The street in front of Wisey’s was a scene of chaos Monday Apr. 14, as an underground fire raged. The fire appeared to be electrical in nature. A section of 36th Street was closed down for the safety of the populace. When asked if they were going to put out the fire, one firefighter remarked, “Maybe on the way back.”
Damn dirty Corpies
A recent recruiting poster for the new Vital Vittles due to open in the Southwest Quadrangle openly championed the laziness of the cashiers. The flier stated, “No bagging. Just tips.” That’s the last time those lazy bastards get any change from us.
Duffman says a lot of things
The world has received news that the rapture is upon us. On Apr. 11, British Prime Minister Tony Blair recorded his voice for an episode of The Simpsons. Blair will have a cameo in an episode where the Simpson family visits the United Kingdom. The episode will also feature J.K Rowlings and Sir Ian McKellen. The show’s producers, when asked if other world leaders would be appearing, they replied, “We were going to get Chirac, but the show already has one balding simpleton.”