2008 Woodie Awards
Time to check the voicemail
Michael Bayer
Issue date: 4/16/03 Section: Commentary
Level Three. Now we arrive at the casual friend, one whom we know, but perhaps not by name. Instead of surnames, prepositional phrases are appropriate, e.g., not Joe Smith, but Joe “from my psych class,” or Jill “whose boyfriend plays on my club soccer team.” Often times, these individuals are ones we have met through our current classes, or from groups with which we are associated, though they have not yet achieved the status of real friend. While you may not feel comfortable spilling your deepest dreams and anxieties to this person, he/she certainly provides a good person with whom to share small talk while waiting for class to begin. Your response to passing him/her might sound something like: “Hi! What’s up? How are you? Yah, we should totally do lunch sometime. Give me a call! Ok, take care.” This brief dialogue reveals a great deal about the nature of the relationship. The key elements are the lack of a name, because in many cases you have forgotten it; the vacuous, indifferent greetings (no one ever really wants to know what is up); and the extreme ambiguity expressed in the purported lunch date. How many people do you see on a daily basis with whom you have had such a lunch date verbally scheduled for the past three semesters, yet still have not actually followed through on? Implied in the succeeding instruction to call the cell is the implicit presupposition that you really probably should not call. You do not schedule your daily route from class to class based on this person, but it’s certainly nice to have someone to whom to say “hi.”
Level Four. You do not know this person. For the vast majority of students on the Hilltop, this obviously entails that you do not outwardly acknowledge his/her presence. You may meet eyes with this person, especially if he/she is a member of the opposite sex, however this brief human contact is often quickly and awkwardly terminated in favor of pretending to glance about at the posters in Red Square that you’ve already read 17 times. If you are talented, you may steal a quick glance at this individual before they are able to return the gaze, and make a mental comment to yourself, e.g., “I like his shirt,” “She has really high heels,” etc. Unless you happen to be caught staring at someone you don’t know, this individual presents no unpleasantness, and indeed, watching other people walk around campus can provide a break from the monotonous red brick and cement if nothing else.
Level Five. People you used to know, but don’t anymore. Isn’t that a strange phenomenon? You all know who I am referring to, and most of the time this individual is a former hook-up or old buddy with whom you have simply parted ways. Nothing says uncomfortable like turning around in the cafeteria, only to bump into the girl you hooked up with at a party three months ago and have since failed to even acknowledge the existence of. This encounter often includes a disdainful stare while the other is still out of range, followed by an unnecessary and pretentious pulling out of the cell phone to pretend you are checking your voicemail. Then when he/she walks by, a chill runs through the spine, leading to a brief shudder and momentary heart palpitations.
Obviously, these are brief sketches and broad generalizations, but they reveal at least a small insight into relationships on campus.
Bayer is a government and theology sophomore.
Level Four. You do not know this person. For the vast majority of students on the Hilltop, this obviously entails that you do not outwardly acknowledge his/her presence. You may meet eyes with this person, especially if he/she is a member of the opposite sex, however this brief human contact is often quickly and awkwardly terminated in favor of pretending to glance about at the posters in Red Square that you’ve already read 17 times. If you are talented, you may steal a quick glance at this individual before they are able to return the gaze, and make a mental comment to yourself, e.g., “I like his shirt,” “She has really high heels,” etc. Unless you happen to be caught staring at someone you don’t know, this individual presents no unpleasantness, and indeed, watching other people walk around campus can provide a break from the monotonous red brick and cement if nothing else.
Level Five. People you used to know, but don’t anymore. Isn’t that a strange phenomenon? You all know who I am referring to, and most of the time this individual is a former hook-up or old buddy with whom you have simply parted ways. Nothing says uncomfortable like turning around in the cafeteria, only to bump into the girl you hooked up with at a party three months ago and have since failed to even acknowledge the existence of. This encounter often includes a disdainful stare while the other is still out of range, followed by an unnecessary and pretentious pulling out of the cell phone to pretend you are checking your voicemail. Then when he/she walks by, a chill runs through the spine, leading to a brief shudder and momentary heart palpitations.
Obviously, these are brief sketches and broad generalizations, but they reveal at least a small insight into relationships on campus.
Bayer is a government and theology sophomore.