2008 Woodie Awards
Independent Insights
Issue date: 3/19/03 Section: Insights
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Getting rid of liberal bias the Schwarzkopf way
A BBC war correspondent has some distressing news for journalists in Iraq. Journalist Kate Aide said that a Pentagon official told her that U.S. planes would fire missiles on satellite and television signals emitted from Baghdad. This could lead to missiles being accidentally fired at journalists reporting from Baghdad. When asked about this possibility, the official allegedly replied, "Well, they know this ... they've been warned." While this may lead to interference with news reporting, it will help reporters get the full Republican Guard experience.
Proof that Congress reads the Insights
It seems that Congress is jumping on the anti-French bandwagon. A Florida Congresswoman proposed a bill that would have the government pay for any family members wishing to transfer the body of a serviceman buried in France. The bill may not be passed because of lackluster support and the costs of running France, which would undoubtedly surrender once it finds tens of thousands of U.S. soldiers in Normandy.
Canadians and PETA
The animal rights goofballs are bound to be up in arms over a decision by the Canadian government. Canada, a.k.a. America Lite, has decided to "neutralize" 975,000 harp seals within the next three years. The government passed the bill to protect cod populations. Polls have shown that Canadians overwhelmingly oppose the measure. While the plan seems flawed, surely such measures could be useful for handling other pests ... like GUSA.
But was the phone recovered?
Residents of Mombasa recently showed that their average IQ resembles the average score of a hockey game after an incident involving the death of three men. Apparently, when a woman dropped her cell phone in a 40-foot pit latrine, she offered a reward to whomever returned it to her. A young man tried to climb down a ladder to retrieve the phone, but slipped and fell in. Another man came to his rescue, but slipped off the ladder as well. A third man, mistakenly believing that one of the men was his brother, joined the bandwagon and slipped in. The owner of the cell phone, after seeing the third victim perish, left the scene of the accident. The moral of this story? Hoyas should avoid pit latrines at all costs.
What every airplane needs
A Northwest flight attendant is in deep trouble after drugging a child during a flight. The attendant spiked apple juice with Xanax and served it to the crying 19-month-old in the hope that it would shut the brat up. The mother had suspicions after noticing that the juice was foamy and contained blue and white flakes in it (Note: she still let her child drink it). Tests confirmed the presence of Xanax in the juice. The attendant was subsequently charged in federal court for drugging the kid. In the attendant's defense, the plane was departing from Amsterdam.
Why we call DeGioia "Giggles"
The administration recently announced precautions and steps that the University will take to ensure our safety. Through our contacts in the dark corridors of DeGioia's office, The Independent has acquired a list of initial proposals to protect its students that were later rejected:
-Having DPS confiscate all metallic containers holding fluids
-Forcing all students and faculty to convert to Islam in the hope that the terrorists will spare us
-Placing Esherick in charge of the security force, or anything where success is important
-Raising tuition another $6,000
-Increasing enrollment so that if we go, we at least take as many other people down with us as possible
-Making the Student Primary Care Center effective
-Finally allowing the College Republicans to walk around with loaded shotguns
-Immediately granting all med students their MDs if they promise not to give prescription drugs to their friends
-Spiking all kegs at Wagners and Dixie with antibiotics in case of anthrax
-Using some common sense
Killing the messenger never tasted so good
The Jewish community is engaged in a tense debate over what some are describing as a miracle. Two fish cutters claim that a 20-pound carp began shouting apocalyptic warnings in Hebrew. The two men decided to do the pious thing, attacking it with a machete and then cutting it up for sale to hungry customers. Zalmen Rosen, one the witnesses, believes it was the spirit of a deceased member of the community. The other witness, Luis Nivelo, thinks it was Satan. Oddly enough, The Independent recently published a commentary about a talking trout. Clearly, God is a little ticked off that the editorial board has been skimping on human sacrifices. Hey, we said we'd sacrifice the IRC on Saturday, cut us some slack.
Stop drinking from your iMac!
Toshiba has announced that it will begin selling methanol-powered laptops by early 2004. Finally, alcohol-fueled computers for alcohol-fueled college students.
Screw brain cells! Let's get toasted!
Scientists announced that they are trying a new prosthesis. Instead of run-of-the-mill pacemakers and wooden legs, researchers in California are experimenting with a prosthetic brain. Unlike previous brain implants that merely send electric stimuli to the brain, this prosthesis will actually be able to fulfill many functions of a real brain, such as storing memory and providing motor control. Finally, the Philodemic's prayers have been answered.
Every night is '80s night in Germany
Miami Vice legend Don Johnson is suing a German magazine for libel. Johnson claims the magazine made baseless claims concerning an incident where Johnson was stopped at the border. Johnson was stopped for having suspicious papers, but claims he was fundraising for a movie project in Switzerland when he was stopped at the border. He was later released. For those of you wondering why Don Johnson is worth mentioning in a tabloid, remember that Germany is the country where David Hasselhoff's album sold five million records.
Joe Dirt vs. the world
Dwight W. Watson decided to fight the man. As such, he drove a tractor, which he claims is loaded with explosives, into a small pond next to Constitution Avenue. A financially-troubled tobacco farmer, he claims that the government's cuts in tobacco subsidies are making it impossible for American tobacco farmers to compete with international growers. The incident, being called "The Tractor Siege," is causing major traffic problems. But he does have a point: If we're nervous about "oil dependency," imagine how screwed smokers would be if the terrorists controlled the world's tobacco.
A BBC war correspondent has some distressing news for journalists in Iraq. Journalist Kate Aide said that a Pentagon official told her that U.S. planes would fire missiles on satellite and television signals emitted from Baghdad. This could lead to missiles being accidentally fired at journalists reporting from Baghdad. When asked about this possibility, the official allegedly replied, "Well, they know this ... they've been warned." While this may lead to interference with news reporting, it will help reporters get the full Republican Guard experience.
Proof that Congress reads the Insights
It seems that Congress is jumping on the anti-French bandwagon. A Florida Congresswoman proposed a bill that would have the government pay for any family members wishing to transfer the body of a serviceman buried in France. The bill may not be passed because of lackluster support and the costs of running France, which would undoubtedly surrender once it finds tens of thousands of U.S. soldiers in Normandy.
Canadians and PETA
The animal rights goofballs are bound to be up in arms over a decision by the Canadian government. Canada, a.k.a. America Lite, has decided to "neutralize" 975,000 harp seals within the next three years. The government passed the bill to protect cod populations. Polls have shown that Canadians overwhelmingly oppose the measure. While the plan seems flawed, surely such measures could be useful for handling other pests ... like GUSA.
But was the phone recovered?
Residents of Mombasa recently showed that their average IQ resembles the average score of a hockey game after an incident involving the death of three men. Apparently, when a woman dropped her cell phone in a 40-foot pit latrine, she offered a reward to whomever returned it to her. A young man tried to climb down a ladder to retrieve the phone, but slipped and fell in. Another man came to his rescue, but slipped off the ladder as well. A third man, mistakenly believing that one of the men was his brother, joined the bandwagon and slipped in. The owner of the cell phone, after seeing the third victim perish, left the scene of the accident. The moral of this story? Hoyas should avoid pit latrines at all costs.
What every airplane needs
A Northwest flight attendant is in deep trouble after drugging a child during a flight. The attendant spiked apple juice with Xanax and served it to the crying 19-month-old in the hope that it would shut the brat up. The mother had suspicions after noticing that the juice was foamy and contained blue and white flakes in it (Note: she still let her child drink it). Tests confirmed the presence of Xanax in the juice. The attendant was subsequently charged in federal court for drugging the kid. In the attendant's defense, the plane was departing from Amsterdam.
Why we call DeGioia "Giggles"
The administration recently announced precautions and steps that the University will take to ensure our safety. Through our contacts in the dark corridors of DeGioia's office, The Independent has acquired a list of initial proposals to protect its students that were later rejected:
-Having DPS confiscate all metallic containers holding fluids
-Forcing all students and faculty to convert to Islam in the hope that the terrorists will spare us
-Placing Esherick in charge of the security force, or anything where success is important
-Raising tuition another $6,000
-Increasing enrollment so that if we go, we at least take as many other people down with us as possible
-Making the Student Primary Care Center effective
-Finally allowing the College Republicans to walk around with loaded shotguns
-Immediately granting all med students their MDs if they promise not to give prescription drugs to their friends
-Spiking all kegs at Wagners and Dixie with antibiotics in case of anthrax
-Using some common sense
Killing the messenger never tasted so good
The Jewish community is engaged in a tense debate over what some are describing as a miracle. Two fish cutters claim that a 20-pound carp began shouting apocalyptic warnings in Hebrew. The two men decided to do the pious thing, attacking it with a machete and then cutting it up for sale to hungry customers. Zalmen Rosen, one the witnesses, believes it was the spirit of a deceased member of the community. The other witness, Luis Nivelo, thinks it was Satan. Oddly enough, The Independent recently published a commentary about a talking trout. Clearly, God is a little ticked off that the editorial board has been skimping on human sacrifices. Hey, we said we'd sacrifice the IRC on Saturday, cut us some slack.
Stop drinking from your iMac!
Toshiba has announced that it will begin selling methanol-powered laptops by early 2004. Finally, alcohol-fueled computers for alcohol-fueled college students.
Screw brain cells! Let's get toasted!
Scientists announced that they are trying a new prosthesis. Instead of run-of-the-mill pacemakers and wooden legs, researchers in California are experimenting with a prosthetic brain. Unlike previous brain implants that merely send electric stimuli to the brain, this prosthesis will actually be able to fulfill many functions of a real brain, such as storing memory and providing motor control. Finally, the Philodemic's prayers have been answered.
Every night is '80s night in Germany
Miami Vice legend Don Johnson is suing a German magazine for libel. Johnson claims the magazine made baseless claims concerning an incident where Johnson was stopped at the border. Johnson was stopped for having suspicious papers, but claims he was fundraising for a movie project in Switzerland when he was stopped at the border. He was later released. For those of you wondering why Don Johnson is worth mentioning in a tabloid, remember that Germany is the country where David Hasselhoff's album sold five million records.
Joe Dirt vs. the world
Dwight W. Watson decided to fight the man. As such, he drove a tractor, which he claims is loaded with explosives, into a small pond next to Constitution Avenue. A financially-troubled tobacco farmer, he claims that the government's cuts in tobacco subsidies are making it impossible for American tobacco farmers to compete with international growers. The incident, being called "The Tractor Siege," is causing major traffic problems. But he does have a point: If we're nervous about "oil dependency," imagine how screwed smokers would be if the terrorists controlled the world's tobacco.