2008 Woodie Awards
Insights
The Georgetown Independent
Issue date: 1/29/03 Section: Insights
- Page 1 of 1
A Georgetown virus not involving casual sex
Computers around the world are recovering after a global attack. Shortly after midnight on Jan. 25, the "Sapphire" virus spread around the world, affecting millions of computers. The attacks were centered in South Korea, but spread to Europe and the United States. Even Georgetown's servers were overrun by the virus, preventing all external Internet access for most of the day. It is still uncertain who made the attack, why they did so and exactly how many Philodemic members died from a lack of porn.
Cmon, Escherick, yell at us
On Saturday, Georgetown's basketball team, a.k.a. the little team that almost could, was again narrowly defeated, this time being humiliated by Pittsburgh. Georgetown was able to tie the game with three and a half seconds left, and then decided to do the sensible thing: foul a 75 percent free throw shooter with .4 seconds left. The free throw was made and the Hoyas were again disgraced on national television. And we thought all of Georgetown's pathetic jokes were in the insights.
True love
A South Carolina couple proved why husbands refer to their wives as "ball and chains." The husband, returning to his vehicle parked outside a hardware store, noticed a suspicious object attached to the car with duct tape. Police were called and the entire shopping center was closed down for four hours. A special bomb-disarming robot was brought in from Shaw Air Force Base to examine the vehicle's undercarriage. It turned out that the device was actually a tracking device planted by the man's wife to track his movements. Note to self: NEVER GET MARRIED.
The sad truth
A clever school administrator is using a new method to discourage potential dropouts. High school students in York, Penn. will receive Undiplomas when they drop out. The document highlights everything the student won't achieve in their lifetime, such as losing $420,000 in earnings on average. While some people find the measure insulting, others argue tough problems call for tough measures. Georgetown originally considered adopting the plan, but then realized that Allen Iverson is more successful than most Georgetown graduates will ever be.
Adults should try reading grownup books
The newest craze among kids isn't Pokémon, it's Ecstasy. Federal agents recently confiscated a stash of 400,000 Ecstasy pills with Harry Potter's image stamped on them. 14 people were arrested in the sting. The stash is expected to be worth about $6 million. The Independent believes that the pills were not intended for children; rather, they were for those forced to sit through the next Harry Potter movie surrounded by screaming toddlers.
Juggle your bowling pins, hippies!
The mayor of London narrowly avoided an attack by a group of disgruntled citizens. Ken Livingstone, Mayor of London, was the target of a group of extremist clowns who planned on pummeling him with custard pies as he tried to enter the city hall. The clowns are upset over a new traffic-reduction plan. If only all protestors had a sense of humor.
Not the sharpest tools in the shed
British protesters, intent on trying to avert war in Iraq, are flying to Baghdad to act as human shields. The plan calls for the protestors to take up position around power stations and bridges in the hope that the U.S.-led coalition will be dissuaded from bombing the sites. However, the U.S. has already stated that human shields would not prevent them from bombing specific targets. Although it currently has 50 people, the group said that their numbers would grow to hundreds, maybe thousands. In that case, expect a large number of Darwin Awards to be handed out.
Maybe the protestors do have a sense of humor
Last weekend, elements of the fringe Left converged on American University to participate in the annual National Conference on Organized Resistance. For a small fee, the participants could attend movies, discussions and lectures. Among the topics presented were "Magical Activism," "Sexism in the Activist Community" and "Beyond Faction and Solidarity: Healthy Knowledge and the Politics of Personhood." It is uncertain, however, whether all of the participants were attending on principles. Said one fictitious attendee, "I came 'cuz I thought there would be all hippie chicks who were all, like, 'free love' and stuff. But none of them showered or shaved their armpits. I should've just gone to Rhino's."
Easy target
A beached whale is recuperating in a saltwater pool at a posh resort in Florida after being speared. Apparently someone mistook it for Rosie O'Donnell.
Lending a helping hand
The Hilltop recently saw the arrival of The Georgetown Lampoon, an online humor magazine for the Hoya on the go (or the virgin spending Saturday alone in his room). As such, we have decided to offer a list of ways to flourish in the high-stakes world of Hoya humor:
-Mock Frenchmen at every available opportunity.
-Jack DeGioia's nickname is "Giggles" not "Slappy." A subtle but important distinction.
-Stop ripping off The Onion.
-France is stupid.
-Dwarf-tossing and porn are always funny.
-Putting Christopher Walken on the "If you don't like us" staff list is really in poor taste. He is a talented and provocative actor, with roles ranging from a 1950's era man trapped in a bomb shelter to a Vietnam vet who kept a watch hidden in his rectum.
-Great tragedies are not only great material for jokes, but also provide the shrewd humorist with the chance to pick up dates at the subsequent funeral(s).
-Proper spelling amd grammer is overrated.
-Stop crowding our spotlight, you Goddamned usurping bastards.
Making too much love to his tonic and gin?
Billy Joel is stable after a tree rudely stood in the path of his car. The accident on Jan. 25 landed the singer in Stony Brook Hospital. Joel has had a much publicized battle with alcoholism, and some have questioned whether alcohol was involved in the incident. Hospital officials would not comment on the matter, saying that a press conference would be scheduled later. The Independent believes that Billy may have been distracted by his own attempts to figure out how the hell he ever got Christie Brinkley.
Computers around the world are recovering after a global attack. Shortly after midnight on Jan. 25, the "Sapphire" virus spread around the world, affecting millions of computers. The attacks were centered in South Korea, but spread to Europe and the United States. Even Georgetown's servers were overrun by the virus, preventing all external Internet access for most of the day. It is still uncertain who made the attack, why they did so and exactly how many Philodemic members died from a lack of porn.
Cmon, Escherick, yell at us
On Saturday, Georgetown's basketball team, a.k.a. the little team that almost could, was again narrowly defeated, this time being humiliated by Pittsburgh. Georgetown was able to tie the game with three and a half seconds left, and then decided to do the sensible thing: foul a 75 percent free throw shooter with .4 seconds left. The free throw was made and the Hoyas were again disgraced on national television. And we thought all of Georgetown's pathetic jokes were in the insights.
True love
A South Carolina couple proved why husbands refer to their wives as "ball and chains." The husband, returning to his vehicle parked outside a hardware store, noticed a suspicious object attached to the car with duct tape. Police were called and the entire shopping center was closed down for four hours. A special bomb-disarming robot was brought in from Shaw Air Force Base to examine the vehicle's undercarriage. It turned out that the device was actually a tracking device planted by the man's wife to track his movements. Note to self: NEVER GET MARRIED.
The sad truth
A clever school administrator is using a new method to discourage potential dropouts. High school students in York, Penn. will receive Undiplomas when they drop out. The document highlights everything the student won't achieve in their lifetime, such as losing $420,000 in earnings on average. While some people find the measure insulting, others argue tough problems call for tough measures. Georgetown originally considered adopting the plan, but then realized that Allen Iverson is more successful than most Georgetown graduates will ever be.
Adults should try reading grownup books
The newest craze among kids isn't Pokémon, it's Ecstasy. Federal agents recently confiscated a stash of 400,000 Ecstasy pills with Harry Potter's image stamped on them. 14 people were arrested in the sting. The stash is expected to be worth about $6 million. The Independent believes that the pills were not intended for children; rather, they were for those forced to sit through the next Harry Potter movie surrounded by screaming toddlers.
Juggle your bowling pins, hippies!
The mayor of London narrowly avoided an attack by a group of disgruntled citizens. Ken Livingstone, Mayor of London, was the target of a group of extremist clowns who planned on pummeling him with custard pies as he tried to enter the city hall. The clowns are upset over a new traffic-reduction plan. If only all protestors had a sense of humor.
Not the sharpest tools in the shed
British protesters, intent on trying to avert war in Iraq, are flying to Baghdad to act as human shields. The plan calls for the protestors to take up position around power stations and bridges in the hope that the U.S.-led coalition will be dissuaded from bombing the sites. However, the U.S. has already stated that human shields would not prevent them from bombing specific targets. Although it currently has 50 people, the group said that their numbers would grow to hundreds, maybe thousands. In that case, expect a large number of Darwin Awards to be handed out.
Maybe the protestors do have a sense of humor
Last weekend, elements of the fringe Left converged on American University to participate in the annual National Conference on Organized Resistance. For a small fee, the participants could attend movies, discussions and lectures. Among the topics presented were "Magical Activism," "Sexism in the Activist Community" and "Beyond Faction and Solidarity: Healthy Knowledge and the Politics of Personhood." It is uncertain, however, whether all of the participants were attending on principles. Said one fictitious attendee, "I came 'cuz I thought there would be all hippie chicks who were all, like, 'free love' and stuff. But none of them showered or shaved their armpits. I should've just gone to Rhino's."
Easy target
A beached whale is recuperating in a saltwater pool at a posh resort in Florida after being speared. Apparently someone mistook it for Rosie O'Donnell.
Lending a helping hand
The Hilltop recently saw the arrival of The Georgetown Lampoon, an online humor magazine for the Hoya on the go (or the virgin spending Saturday alone in his room). As such, we have decided to offer a list of ways to flourish in the high-stakes world of Hoya humor:
-Mock Frenchmen at every available opportunity.
-Jack DeGioia's nickname is "Giggles" not "Slappy." A subtle but important distinction.
-Stop ripping off The Onion.
-France is stupid.
-Dwarf-tossing and porn are always funny.
-Putting Christopher Walken on the "If you don't like us" staff list is really in poor taste. He is a talented and provocative actor, with roles ranging from a 1950's era man trapped in a bomb shelter to a Vietnam vet who kept a watch hidden in his rectum.
-Great tragedies are not only great material for jokes, but also provide the shrewd humorist with the chance to pick up dates at the subsequent funeral(s).
-Proper spelling amd grammer is overrated.
-Stop crowding our spotlight, you Goddamned usurping bastards.
Making too much love to his tonic and gin?
Billy Joel is stable after a tree rudely stood in the path of his car. The accident on Jan. 25 landed the singer in Stony Brook Hospital. Joel has had a much publicized battle with alcoholism, and some have questioned whether alcohol was involved in the incident. Hospital officials would not comment on the matter, saying that a press conference would be scheduled later. The Independent believes that Billy may have been distracted by his own attempts to figure out how the hell he ever got Christie Brinkley.