2008 Woodie Awards
Insights
Issue date: 10/23/02 Section: Insights
Another reason for girls to get tongue piercings
A 27-year-old woman from Springfield, MA is suing her former employer, wholesale retailer Costco Inc., for discrimination after she was fired for refusing to cover her eyebrow ring as stipulated in Costco's employee dress code. The woman, who identifies herself as a follower of the Oregon-based Church of Body Modification, claims that the eyebrow ring, along with her numerous other piercings, is a symbol of her religion, and that the firing violates the Equal Employment Opportunity Act. Although Costco could not be reached for comment, the Church of Body Modification spokesman Rev. "Butch" Retchyk said, "Hey, at least we're not Scientologists."
Evidence that size does matter
The Welsh courts have decided to clear a man of indecent assault after receiving conclusive evidence that he could not have possibly committed rape. The proof? The man has a one-inch penis. John Webb, 49, provided the court with photographs showing his manhood, er, boyhood. It was then concluded that Webb could not have been the man who committed the sex attack. Finally, we can all be sure that the Philodemic is law-abiding.
Keeps going and going and going and ...
A new condom has broken all records for sales in Britain. Over 18,000 Durex brand Performa condoms have been sold online over the last three months. The condom contains a mild anesthetic to numb the tip of the penis, thereby decreasing sensation and supposedly prolonging sex. Those looking for a cheaper way to numb the pleasure of an erection should walk into the Women's Center for a couple minutes.
Crappy Icelandic pop singers make news
Bjork's mother made international news recently, as she embarked upon a hunger strike to protest Alcoa's plan to build a new plant in Iceland. While on the hunger strike, Bjork's mom has subsisted on nothing but tea. That's nothing — the entire Henle fishbowl has lived on nothing but Natty Light for going on twelve years.
Return of the condom joke
Georgetown University has begun enforcing its Free Speech policy in order to bar H*yas for Choice from distributing condoms in freshman dorm rooms. The one clear winner of this policy appears to be CVS, which will now hold an absolute monopoly on the University's prophylactic needs. The clear loser: every eternally optimistic freshman boy with a free condom in his wallet and a gleam in his eye.
The poor man's Duran Duran
The man formerly known as Adam Ant (and now known by the slightly less impressive name of Stuart) narrowly avoided a jail sentence recently. The '80s vintage pop singer was on trial for a recent bar altercation, and was convicted of "brawling" in London. While sentencing him, the Judge warned Ant that he was being let off easily this time, then asked, "Who the hell are you, anyway?" We don't know either.
Might not want to GERM your buddy after all
A Japanese ambulance en route to the scene of an accident mistakenly ran over the left arm of the victim it had been sent to rescue. While the 73-year-old man was pronounced dead at the hospital, doctors say that being hit by the ambulance was not the cause of death. They did add, however, that it couldn't have helped much.
Better than a Bloody Mary
Further instilling confidence in Japanese medical services, a group of Akita paramedics was suspended after it was discovered that they had been using the intravenous drips intended for emergency situations to help recover from hangovers. On a related note, the number of rugby players applying to become GERMS has risen 87 percent since the release of this story.
Casual Fridays reach a new level
In an effort to reach out to the growing number of indifferent churchgoers in England, members of the Anglican clergy are debating a switch to t-shirts and jeans at Sunday services instead of their traditional black cassocks. The Bishop of Maidstone and the Bishop of Wellesden, two of the spearheads of the dress-down idea, claim that the robes are a real obstacle for many and that this new relaxed wardrobe would help show that the Church isn't a stodgy, outdated club. A similar trend has been developing at Georgetown as several Jesuits have begun showing up to class in boxers and bathrobes.
A 27-year-old woman from Springfield, MA is suing her former employer, wholesale retailer Costco Inc., for discrimination after she was fired for refusing to cover her eyebrow ring as stipulated in Costco's employee dress code. The woman, who identifies herself as a follower of the Oregon-based Church of Body Modification, claims that the eyebrow ring, along with her numerous other piercings, is a symbol of her religion, and that the firing violates the Equal Employment Opportunity Act. Although Costco could not be reached for comment, the Church of Body Modification spokesman Rev. "Butch" Retchyk said, "Hey, at least we're not Scientologists."
Evidence that size does matter
The Welsh courts have decided to clear a man of indecent assault after receiving conclusive evidence that he could not have possibly committed rape. The proof? The man has a one-inch penis. John Webb, 49, provided the court with photographs showing his manhood, er, boyhood. It was then concluded that Webb could not have been the man who committed the sex attack. Finally, we can all be sure that the Philodemic is law-abiding.
Keeps going and going and going and ...
A new condom has broken all records for sales in Britain. Over 18,000 Durex brand Performa condoms have been sold online over the last three months. The condom contains a mild anesthetic to numb the tip of the penis, thereby decreasing sensation and supposedly prolonging sex. Those looking for a cheaper way to numb the pleasure of an erection should walk into the Women's Center for a couple minutes.
Crappy Icelandic pop singers make news
Bjork's mother made international news recently, as she embarked upon a hunger strike to protest Alcoa's plan to build a new plant in Iceland. While on the hunger strike, Bjork's mom has subsisted on nothing but tea. That's nothing — the entire Henle fishbowl has lived on nothing but Natty Light for going on twelve years.
Return of the condom joke
Georgetown University has begun enforcing its Free Speech policy in order to bar H*yas for Choice from distributing condoms in freshman dorm rooms. The one clear winner of this policy appears to be CVS, which will now hold an absolute monopoly on the University's prophylactic needs. The clear loser: every eternally optimistic freshman boy with a free condom in his wallet and a gleam in his eye.
The poor man's Duran Duran
The man formerly known as Adam Ant (and now known by the slightly less impressive name of Stuart) narrowly avoided a jail sentence recently. The '80s vintage pop singer was on trial for a recent bar altercation, and was convicted of "brawling" in London. While sentencing him, the Judge warned Ant that he was being let off easily this time, then asked, "Who the hell are you, anyway?" We don't know either.
Might not want to GERM your buddy after all
A Japanese ambulance en route to the scene of an accident mistakenly ran over the left arm of the victim it had been sent to rescue. While the 73-year-old man was pronounced dead at the hospital, doctors say that being hit by the ambulance was not the cause of death. They did add, however, that it couldn't have helped much.
Better than a Bloody Mary
Further instilling confidence in Japanese medical services, a group of Akita paramedics was suspended after it was discovered that they had been using the intravenous drips intended for emergency situations to help recover from hangovers. On a related note, the number of rugby players applying to become GERMS has risen 87 percent since the release of this story.
Casual Fridays reach a new level
In an effort to reach out to the growing number of indifferent churchgoers in England, members of the Anglican clergy are debating a switch to t-shirts and jeans at Sunday services instead of their traditional black cassocks. The Bishop of Maidstone and the Bishop of Wellesden, two of the spearheads of the dress-down idea, claim that the robes are a real obstacle for many and that this new relaxed wardrobe would help show that the Church isn't a stodgy, outdated club. A similar trend has been developing at Georgetown as several Jesuits have begun showing up to class in boxers and bathrobes.