2008 Woodie Awards
Insights!
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Rupert Murdoch is at it again. The Aussie magnate is planning a new reality show, tentatively called “American Candidate.” The winner of the show will be nominated as a candidate for the 2004 presidential election. This game show, subtitled “Pornography for SFS tools,” should at least produce a candidate who can beat Al Gore because, well, any idiot can.
Homecoming shomecoming
Hoyas from across the world (or at least Washington and New York) converged on Lot T for four, almost five, hours of Homecoming tailgating last weekend. In the endless search to conduct a fun Homecoming, the powers-that-be changed the plans from years past. Proposals that were ultimately discarded included:
- Dunk a chaplain
- Naked twister (a popular pastime on Copley 5, we hear)
- Kill-yourself-if-you’re-Philodemic Day
- Dunk DeGioia, win a plush toy
- Write a good Insight, please
We made ESPN!
The Georgetown football teamed finally made history a couple weeks ago. Sadly, it was history of a not-so-good sort, as the Hoyas fell 69-0 to Patriot League powerhouse Lehigh. This one almost doesn’t need a punch line. Sixty-nine to nothing! You can get the same results with a hooker working pro bono.
Keep them away from us!
The University lockdown program has officially begun. Students will not be allowed to enter residential halls they don’t live in. We at The Independent think it’s about damn time; all those Harbin residents violating Village C had just gotten ridiculous. Nothing says terrorism like business school group projects.
Mom and Dad never looked so good
A major league baseball game developed into a tragic farce recently after the Royals’ first base coach, 54-year-old Tom Gamboa, was attacked by two psychos in Chicago. The two shirtless fans (a father and his son!) ran out of the left field bleachers to beat up the coach, before they were beat up by the entire Royals team. The Independent applauds father William Ligue for proving to us all that our parents are not as messed up as we always thought.
Damn the man
When assorted big swinging dorks meet up in Washington for the annual meeting of the IMF and World Bank, they will have a new danger to contend with. The anarchist website infoshop.org has presented an anarchist scavenger hunt, replete with point values. Potential quasi-terrorists can receive 300 points for breaking a McDonalds window, or 400 points for “pie-ing” an executive (no points are awarded for attacking a defenseless old man). If they want to make this really challenging, we offer the following suggestions to GSC members:
700 points: Find a Georgetown party not serving Busch and/or Natural Light.
0.3 points: Take down GUSA.
200 points: Break into Homecoming after the designated end-time of 4 p.m.
400 points: Egg Georgetown Metro station.
350 points: Wear a “Yard” hat in public.
999 points: Take down the government and replace it with — what, exactly?
Italy is now officially dumber than France
Italian wack-jobs organized a “nationwide strike” against pizza joints. The organizers of the strikes said that the cost of pizza is too high in proportion to its components. We say the cost of keeping retards like them alive is too high in proportion to their worth.
Kids say the darnedest things
Members of Seattle City Council were enraged after receiving crayon drawings in protest to the possible decommissioning of a fire engine. The pictures showed the school burning with children running around on fire, screaming, “We’re all going to die!” and other such lovable statements. The councilmen are enraged that the teacher would use “scare tactics” on fourth-graders to turn them into lobbyists. The teacher argued that the project was a “good lesson,” as was chaining the kids to their desks and dowsing the classroom in gasoline to demonstrate a “hypothetical scenario.”
Learning from the experts
A NASA study has found that the Earth’s climate will warm over the next 50 years regardless of whether industrialized nations try to cut back on the emission of “environment-altering” gases. Although drastic cuts could lead to a slight reduction in the Earth’s predicted temperature increase, the general atmosphere will still rise two to four degrees Fahrenheit over the next half-century. As a result, President Bush has decided to launch Operation Screw It All. The plan calls for special forces soldiers to log the forest in the Pacific Northwest as aircraft carriers are converted into giant garbage barges that will dump raw sewage into the Indian Ocean. Belgium will also be nuked, just because we can.