2008 Woodie Awards
Insights
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Police in California have finally made a break in the Tupac Shakur case. According to the Los Angeles Times, Shakur's killer was a hit man paid for by rival rapper Notorious B.I.G. The alleged shooter was a gang member associated with the Crips. Vanilla Ice has also claimed responsibility, whining, "I'm a rapper, too, dammit! I can kill people. I can get with 'hoes.'" He was promptly slapped.
Stalking young 'uns
The freshmen/senior barbeque went off successfully this past week. Seniors mingled with freshmen and freshmen with seniors over hamburgers, hot dogs and soda. Sadly, many of the freshmen girls ran away after the fifteenth encounter with randy seniors saying, "Oh, you're beautiful. Interests include people and basketball. I like basketball and people, too. You were on page 42, second row, third from the left."
America idles
The hit Fox show American Idols is over and Kelly Clarkson is the victor, beating out an opponent the Associated Press called a (we're not making this up) "pom-pom haired heartthrob." Clarkson's 15 minutes will take her to Las Vegas for a concert and somewhere else, too. By 2004, she is expected to be performing at New South Theme Nights.
Canada — strange country or wannabe state?
A group of Canadian parliamentarians is taking a bold step towards legalizing marijuana. The committee has suggested that Canada begin treating pot in the same manner it treats alcohol and expunge all marijuana-related arrest records. If fully pursued, marijuana would no longer be a controlled substance in the Great White North. A petition to annex Henle Village to Canada is not expected to succeed.
Just for kicks, SFS-bashing
A recent survey found that one in ten Californian high school students admits to using the rave drug Ecstasy. The same survey found that upwards of 60 percent of eleventh graders admit to drinking on a regular or semi-regular basis. A similar survey of SFS students found that 33 percent admit to being turned on by Tom Daschle and/or Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Speaking for the people
A general/warlord in Afghanistan has recently completed what is believed to be the nation's first indoor pool. He built the pool and associated mansion, he said, because he expects to host a multitude of Western guests. No better way to impress liberal Westerners than living in decadence while your compatriots die of starvation.
We surrender! Just don't take our porn!
French people are up in arms, or something. A recent poll by Le Parisien found that a solid majority of Frenchies favors banning pornography on cable and broadcast television. It seems possible that the French version of the FCC may begin to enforce laws, already on the books, that would prohibit the showing of X-rated films. In other news, the Philodemic has decided not to move operations to Paris, at least not in the foreseeable future.
Damn the man
A few dozen Georgetown students were arrested over Labor Day weekend for underage drinking. MPD announced that it was shifting its valuable "Jaywalker Arrest" resources back towards "Underage Drinking." An MPD official, speaking off the record and not actually speaking, said, "It's these problems we really have to address. People think it is the job of the cops to arrest thieves and murderers and whatnot. But let's face it — that's hard. And dangerous."
Choices no one needs to make
Doctors in Belgium are now offering couples the ability to select what gender they want their baby to be. The clinic, in Ghent, collects a sample of semen from the husband. The sample is then shipped to a lab in Virginia, where sperm cells are identified for the presence or absence of Y-chromosomes. The samples are then sent back to Belgium for implantation. First we win WWII, then we hold back the Commies for 50 years and now we're sorting through their ejaculatory matter. Can't the Europeans do anything on their own?
Shrinkage
Greek police recently arrested a terrorist accused of being the chief assassin in the November 17 terrorist organization. Dimitris Koufodinas, 44, was arrested at a nudist beach on the Greek island of Angistri. Koufodinas was the target of the largest manhunt in Greek history. Rumor has it that the terrorist turned himself in. Said one witness, "If you think he's a terrorist, check out that 300-lb. man who just stepped out of the cold water. That's real terror!"
Learning from the experts
Seven Romanian seamen are finally going home this week, after spending two years in the Dominican Republic because their bosses would not pay a fine. Can we get rid of SFS'ers in the same way?