Georgetown Independent

When animals act dumb
Rescuers’ attempt to save a two-year-old terrier aboard an abandoned tanker were thwarted when the stupid canine ran away from rescuers. The ship, adrift for nearly three weeks off the coast of Hawaii after a fire broke out, has attracted the attention of international media after it was discovered that the dog was still aboard the ship. The dog, however, runs below deck, where rescuers could not go because of safety reasons. As a side note, North Korea, where dogs are considered delicacies, is suffering from severe famine. We at The Independent smell the next great reality TV show coming.

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The final French joke of the year
The first round of French elections produced shocking results that have sent the frogs into utter hysteria. Far-right National Front candidate Jean-Marie Le Pen (think Pat Buchanan with an annoying accent) claimed nearly 17 percent of the vote, coming in second in the vote behind incumbent Jacques Chirac. Although Le Pen is widely expected to lose the second round, leftist elements of France are horrified that no one voted for their hippie-socialist candidates, and have decided to protest their own election. However, we at The Independent believe that Prime Minister Lionel Jospin deserves credit for admitting defeat and announcing plans to give up. Way to act like a Frenchman!

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Another marketing faux pas
Abercrombie & Fitch is in a heap of trouble after their new line of clothing, featuring Asian caricatures, was deemed offensive by Asian-American groups in California. The company has ordered all such apparel to be removed from store shelves, forcing those with a tasteless sense of humor to buy them at ridiculous prices on E-Bay. While Abercrombie & Fitch has apologized for the mistake, some slack should be given to them. After all, if the Taiwanese sweatshop laborers making the shirts had no problems with them, how could the company possibly have known that some uppity Stanford students would get pissed off?

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We will always have the last laugh!
In a previous issue, we published an Insight describing a College Republican/College Democrat softball game being mothballed being because the Democrats thought it “too intense.” However, one member of the College Dems brought to our attention that the softball game was actually nixed because the field at 34th and Q Street was too far  away and that no one had baseball gloves (note: any real American keeps their glove next to their copy of the Good Book). We apologize for the confusion; the Dems aren’t scared, they’re just lazy, ill-prepared and apparently don’t know when to keep their mouths shut. You’re going down in November, suckers!

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A little something for the SFS freshmen
In response to the escalating tensions in the Holy Land, Niger has broken ties with Israel. And no one cares …

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Part of an easy-to-mock trend
Actor Robert Blake was charged with the murder of his wife in a story sure to bring the entire staff of The National Enquirer to simultaneous orgasms. The actor is believed to have shot his wife because of her repeated schemes to extort money and sanity from him. “Baretta” pleaded not guilty to the charge, but the evidence against him was “strong.” Said O.J. Simpson, “Man, every damn time you try to do something in Hollywood, other people have to steal your idea!”

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Cool pranks to play on people
Students in Russia are all right after several students drank copper sulfate taken from a chemistry storeroom. The kids were told by older students that they were drinking a magic potion based on a Harry Potter book, which is also ridiculously popular amongst the Russkies. The students were apparently trying to reenact some sort of initiation ceremony, Siberian authorities reported, and the school has come under investigation for allowing students access to chemicals. You have to hand it to the Harry Potter books: they weed out the ones Nature missed.

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The poor man’s Ah-nold
Pro wrestler and movie star The Rock recently said in a magazine interview that he is reluctant to give up wrestling despite his success in movies. Mr. Rock, or “The”, as friends call him, proclaimed his love of live crowds and the energy he gets from seeing fans, and plans on wrestling for some time. Or at least until the steroids cause his heart to explode.

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Toddler tastes like chicken!
Phoenix, known for warm weather and other stuff, became a hotbed of media attention after a father was arrested for biting off his two-year-old son’s thumb. The father was apparently high on PCP and wanted to swallow his son’s thumb in order to mix their DNA. However, this potential dad-of-the-year kept the thumb in his mouth for six hours, coughing it up during his police interview. Surgeons were unable to reattach the thumb. On a side note, have you ever wondered what Marriott’s “Chicken” Fingers are made out of?

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Who says chivalry is dead?
A Cincinnati man was charged with solicitation after he propositioned an undercover police officer. The man had advertised for a housekeeper, but apparently was looking for something more. As the undercover cop finished up her interview with the man, the would-be employer asked to “see a sample of the merchandise.” Clearly, the man forgot the old rule of thumb: before having sex with hired help, be sure to tip her generously.

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When dumb people play God
Those of you who like Orwellian creepiness will be glad to know that one couple has purposely made their children deaf through some old-fashioned genetics. Sharon Duchesneau and her life partner Candace McCullough recently gave birth to their second child. Both are deaf and wanted to make sure that their children were deaf so that they could enjoy the “cultural identity” of being deaf. The couple expressed joy in stating that their first-born showed no response at 95 decibels during his its first hearing test. We at The Independent would like to help any parents with broken bones who wish to have their children share their identity. Hence, every Friday is now Throw-Your-Toddler-Down-A-Flight-Of-Stairs Friday at Leavey 409. Sign ups are on the door.

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It’s funny ‘til you realize that helped them get in
The Georgetown baseball team was able to pitch a no-hitter in a recent game. Unfortunately, they still managed to lose the game to Rutgers because of two errors. However, they improved significantly in the second game of the doubleheader, only losing by a slim margin of eight runs. Man, that’s so bad, Georgetown’s basketball team would have to fail to make it into the NCAA tournament after making it into the Sweet Sixteen previous season to be just as bad. Oh wait.

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An Indy classified
For sale: One EiC, comes with Corp cash. Can make coffee, sit with disgruntled look on face while waiting for articles to come in. Name unpronounceable to arts & entertainment editors. Knowledge of fine wine and the German language. Also for sale: One ME, cost-efficient (requires no showering or new clothes). Gets 500 words per beer. Proclivity for removing clothing during social events provides hours of entertainment. Interested parties can take test copy-edit at Leavey 409 or call 687-6954.

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